I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I'm both gender and math confused
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
