Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
