i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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