you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
