if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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