It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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