I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
