I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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