i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
