Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
