Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
