Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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