Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
