So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Boobs speak an international language.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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