I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
