just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
