I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
