And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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