even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
