Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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