FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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