It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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