she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
