My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
