highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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