He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
