i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Randomize
