Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
