u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
