I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Life is so much better after having sex.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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