1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
