I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Just invented taco cereal.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
