grandma shit on top of the toilet
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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