i just wanna soil my oats bro
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Randomize
