There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
