i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
