It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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