The maid of honor just puked.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
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