I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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