In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Randomize
