I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
