Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Someone came in the potted fern
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
