you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
