If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
