I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
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