I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
