he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Dick very happy bro
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
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