She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
