I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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