If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
